Dark Lullaby

Page 43 from the series Before the Pirates Came*

Miranda saw the broken lock on the door, the wood splintered.  She stepped down into the cabin and saw hopelessness hovering about.  Despite the chaos of cushions overturned and her things strewn all around, she felt a strange sense of calm, a ship on a quiet sea.  Miranda took a long drink of scotch to enhance it.

As the whiskey burned in her throat, she dropped down to the next level of her depression.  Though still afloat, still aware of her surroundings, she embraced the sensation of the journey, the sensation of sinking.  She should call someone while she was still able.  She couldn’t remember Harry’s phone number.  More alcohol, not like a lady on Worth Avenue, but like a drunk under a bridge, the girl she swore she would never be. 

She took a deep breath, descended to a darker place.  She exhaled threw her nose, watching the imaginary bubbles come out and rise to the surface.  She shuddered and took a Xanax.  It would help her on the way down.  Miranda  remembered Harry’s number and dialed it.  A girl answered.  She decided it was the cleaning lady and hung up. 

Another breath… deeper this time. 

She thought she was so clever, thought an empty box of Tampax was a great place to hide her money, that a burglar would never look there.  She exhaled… more bubbles.  Surrendering to the depth of her depression was beginning to bring some relief. 

Tomorrow she would wake up and remember that all her money was gone.  There was no one to bail her out this time, she had burned every bridge.  While Miranda drifted briefly in that silent place, she took another drink, looked around at her boat.  The joke was on her.  The winter boating adventure was the making of a bipolar mind seeking an imaginary thrill.  She looked into the murky haze, drank, and watched a fool take in more air.  The weight of the water against her body pinned her down against her deepest grief. 

Sinking was clean and painless, the depths were quite beautiful.

The bottle was empty, she was numb to the taste.  Take a breath, hold it…  the sound of her heartbeat was somber and dim.  Blow Miranda, blow!  You must empty your lungs to go all the way down!

On the bottom there were stars, a flickering light… but no one else could see them.  The colors embraced her, distracted her from her troubles.  The long descent was complete, one last breath.  Her heartbeat slowed and faded.

It was her sea of tranquility, a dark lullaby.

“You, LORD, are my lamp; the LORD turns my darkness into  light.”  2 Samuel 22:29  (NIV)

To be continued…

*This story is based on some true events, however, has been fictionalized and all persons appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

© 2012, Shoes for an Imaginary Life. All rights reserved.

This entry was posted in About Him, About me, Bipolar girl. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Dark Lullaby

  1. .endtransmission. says:

    Wake up Miranda, wake up!! I want to shake her and slap her face and scream at her until she hears me.

    Shot me right in the heart this time, Linda. Best piece of writing yet. Outstanding.

    • Linda says:

      Thank you, e.t. She was pretty out of it in this scene. If you shook her she may have slept through it. I appreciate your encouragement. ; )

  2. Theresa says:

    Oh I hope a scuba diver just happened to quickly notice her and bring her up before she became shark food! :(

  3. Larry Who says:

    When I read a good novel, and the character does something I know will have terrible consequences for him, I often lay the book down for a while. It’s my way of holding off the bad consequences for the character as long as possible.

    I wanted to do this for Miranda today.

    Okay, I’m ready, let’s turn the page.

    • Linda says:

      I almost want to apologize for the grim nature of this page. But I also see a compliment in there somewhere… so thanks! ; )

  4. (od says:

    I’ve been reading all of these, and this one may have the strongest hook yet. Thank you for taking me on this journey, Linda. In every way, here and elsewhere. I’m privileged beyond words. What an honor to have met you.

    • Linda says:

      Thanks for your ongoing encouragement, Tod. I know you’re always busy, and I appreciate your interest. The honor goes both ways. : )

  5. Jan says:

    This is absollutely the best description of the free -fall into deep depression. I am not bi-polar, so never experienced the extreme highs, but how well I know the lower depths. You really captured the experience for me.

    • Linda says:

      Wow. Thanks for the nice compliment. It’s a pretty creepy scene. I worry that my mom will read this stuff and be very worried.

      Yes, depression really is a free-fall. I’m blessed to be away from those times, at least for today… ; )

  6. Theresa says:

    P.S. What was the name of that wise and kind-hearted bar tender? I wish she could have happened by and rescued you.


    (P.S. The bar tender’s name was Mavis, another Godly woman…)

    • Linda says:

      Have you been reading my notes? Haha. Wait till you meet Janet. She will be a breath of fresh air and a new Christian lady who encourages Miranda! Such good memories… they make me smile! : ) Stay tuned…

  7. Debbie says:

    This . . .this was so intense. You immersed us in what it was like for Miranda, so perfectly. We all want to run to her, to save her, to bring her up from the depths. Linda, it takes a special gift to be able to write like you do. I wonder how many Miranda’s are out there, that need to read this. God bless you as you pour out this story! love and hugs!

    • Linda says:

      Thanks, Debbie. I meet so many Miranda’s in the rooms of AA. When I go back to Ohio in April some of them will be dead– mostly by overdose or suicide. All nice young girls who got addicted and got off track.

      One girl who is struggling goes to the library to read my blog… doesn’t own a computer. When I turn this story into an ebook, God willing, I’m going to twist the arms of the young girls who scoff at God and would never follow the AA tradition of praying on our knees.

      They like me because I wear cute shoes… I have clout. Thanks for your nice comment.

  8. Crystal says:

    Oh, Linda…..I am HOOKED!!!!! This is an awesome book, my friend…..I am envious! No way I could write this well!!!!! How soon before the next page?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hugs!

    • Linda says:

      Hey Crystal… I am so happy to see you! Be envious if you want, girlfriend… but I’m still so proud that you’re teaching at a university and doing what you love… my sister and role model. Can’t wait to get back to P.C. and catch up with you. Hugs, Crystal… and stop back. Miranda might find her way after all! : )

      P.S. I still do that thing with ‘…..’ but I’m trying to switch over to ‘–’. Haha.

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